Fresh out of hecks (moving a bit)
Hello everyone! :^D I come to you in some cringe as this journal format alone is giving me a slight headache. For the past hour I have been navigating through this new unorganized DA as well as Twitter; trying to feel out both formats. I feel oh so conflicted truth be told. And it's a bitter sweet thing to me. Long story short, I'll be moving to Twitter for the time being. I've got a lot of people I watch on here who use it anyway :> so not so bad of a change. It'll be a lot to get used to but I'm determined to figure out Twitter. It's reallyyyy not my favorite, lacks so much in customization compared to how DA was. Regardless though //BIG SHRUG// at this point it's a lot more comfortable than this clunky mess.
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Although I feel fine this is a bit sad to me. I was discussing with some friends how much this site has been my home even before my teen years. So here, small story of my DA life:
Being 9 years old and surfing Sonic the hedgehog fanart on google images, I found this place. And gee did it stick; becoming the most amusing spot on the internet to me. Fueled motivation and inspiration from the start. When I was 12 I finally made an account, JollyLink. I'm now 25 years old and still rockin' this place!~ Thank God. <3 I've been through so much crap here from emotional teenage drama but also massive experiences- good and bad. I met A LOT of life changing people, even recently thanks to this site. Some are gone, some ended bad, but some have stayed, some I consider family. ~ Regardless this has been my "internet home" for 11 years. Streaks of absence would happen but some how I'd always gravitate right back.
If I remember correctly DA looked like this around the time I joined. Much simpler times. ~
DA has made quite a bunch of format changes the past 11 years. Sadly though, eclipse is like...way too much for me. Thankfully due to enjoying life responsibilities and growing up, I learned to detach emotionally by A LOT. But this place has been near and dear to my heart no matter where I'd go. :'D
But here are some things I find to be true right now:
There are other nice, inspiring, cool people out there to follow and get to know, not just here.
DA's format doesn't take away the ability to draw, or however you interact on this site. ~
New things don't have to be so bad; try to accept the unfortunate but NOT life changing difference thrown at us here. Other site options might not be your first choice but at least there are options. You might not feel like putting in effort to adapting to another site, me too, but it might be worth it. c:
By all means everyone, if this format seems to work for you and is something you could get used to that's a cool thing! Who knows, maybe I'll try to wonk around with it a bit to see if I can get used to it v: I'll at least try since that's all I could do. In the mean time though, I made a Twitter account recently ~ so you could find me here https://twitter.com/jollsii
I'm also keeping an eye out on this other site a couple of friends mentioned called "ArtSpacious" which might be a lot like DA. But it's still in the works; you could check on updates here. ◾ https://www.deviantart.com/artspacious
But thanks for tuning in everyone! I'm still here but for the time being I've moved myself to Twitter starting now ~ it'll take some time to get used to the site but I'll more than likely be posting there. Aside form all that jaz I genuinely hope you're all hanging in there with the pandemic still happening! //*many hugs for everyone*
I love you all ❤ and as always, God bless! 💗
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2019 Reflection (long journal)
I'm totally amazed.~
BUT HELLO EVERYONE.
I'm so glad to be here.
So glad you're still here.
At last it's December, thank The Lord!
I figure it is time for the 2019 reflection. ~
I wanted to do this late in the month but, better sooner than later since I get busy so quick.
Still feels like I need to glue myself to my seat to force myself to get things
D O N E. ' v';
I will say, a lot of things happened this year...like...A LOT of things. This was the year of change for me. Difficult changes all over, but it was for the better. All year long I have been wanting to talk about it but I guess this journal will be it.
I haven't done a journal in a long time broken down in topics, so that's the format here.
And for a heads up, here's some bullet points to sum up the gist of certain events.
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- I'm no longer with the man I was with for the past four years.
- Thus no longer living at his house. So I moved.
- I'm living alone, renting on my own for the first time in my life.
- I actually am with someone new (online relationship, but it's different).
- Graduated college in May.
- I've completely revamped my life and habits due to being a true dedicated Christian disciple and am now following The Lord closely and carefully. ~
J A N U A R Y into M A R C H In the reflection journal I did in the first day of 2019 I wasn't showing -the change- much, as I was focusing on some other things. What I love though is that I had some ideas of -things- I wanted to do but God was like, "HA, CUTE, BUT NOPE. I have better plans for you."
In January is when that -fire- within was beginning to get bigger and bigger. As in, remembering how AMAZING God is and wanting to be close to Him again. ~ But this wasn't coming easy. School was coming to an end soon, and I was so rooted in where I was living. Following God was going to change everything...and I knew that. I kept trying to find ways around it. Ways to make it work. I was feeling dread almost every day of how I was going to tell my partner of four years at the time, knowing he doesn't care for Jesus like that at all.
But something major happened during one of these months...I repented and was born again.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN YOU ASK?
Repenting: to deny yourself and turn away from your old sinful ways, confessing your sins, and asking The Lord for forgiveness. Then, pick up your cross and follow him, not returning to your old ways/sins.
Born again: Accepting the gospel which is: Jesus was born of a virgin, was crucified/died on the cross for the redemption of sins, rose again on the third day, and ascended into heaven. It's when you BELIEVE this with your whole heart and sacrifice your life to follow Him, with your entire life.
And well, that happened.
I began to reflect on my life.
I saw what sin I was living in and I could barely deal with it anymore.
Went to sleep in sin and woke up in sin.
I started to ask, "God, what am I doing? Christ is coming back soon, WHAT am I doing with my life???". I began to pray more, cry more, cry and pray at the same time more. xD
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I cannot tell you what day it was exactly but I day did come where I finally collapsed spiritually and emotionally. I was alone. Closed the door, and just fell to my knees in prayer; weeping.
I asked God to help me live for Him.
To return to Him with my whole heart this time, not half of it.
I apologized and asked for forgivness for ignoring Him for years,
for getting myself into the sinful life I was in.
I asked Him...
that if He wants me to leave the house I was living in, to give me the strength to do it.
If I needed to part from my boyfriend, to help me do it, because I loved him so much.
I told Him I couldn't do it by myself, but with His strength, I could.
And so...
my heart turned to The Lord fully right there.
----
After that, everything looked different. I felt different. I began to throw away bad things that was sinful in some way, deleted things, changed my appearance, let go of so many things. And I know The Holy Spirit guided me to do those things, because no one told me to do any of that.
But that came out a cost...I knew it would. That being my relationship which then plummeted.
t h e b r e a k u p We tried so hard to find a way to still be compatible and make things work. But it was mostly out of feeling obligated. Can't blame us! Four years; living together, doing everything together, secrets being shared and experiencing things together, and even planning to be married one day? Of course we wanted to force it to work.
So many things happened. So many things were said that could fill this whole journal but...I just remember crying almost every night. Every day. So much confusion and pain. But I realized so many other things that were wrong in the relationship that I tried to bury or look past. Things that simply wouldn't work if a Christian like me is going to be with anyone.
I feel bad enough that when I left the house, he still helped me with so much, still made it clear he loved me, and how broken he is again. And how much of my fault it is. But no matter what, I knew I had to keep my allegiance to God and not compromise for anyone. Which lead to bitter feelings and more hurt. It's complicated now and, we are still friends technically, but wounds are still fresh and it's still too soon.
But I'm still thankful for him.
Thankful for everything he's done for me, more than I can say.
And although I experienced much pain in that relationship,
I forgive him for every bit of it.
And I only hope he finds peace in The Lord one day and prospers. ~
I truly mean that.
A P R I L By this time I was still trying to figure out where I was going. I was checking high and low for places to rent. I didn't want to live with my dad due to his small apartment, nor my grandparents' house, so there was only so many options I had. I got so desperate I was truly willing to sleep in my car some nights. All because living where I was -very- much not okay in God's eyes.
Tired of waking up in sin. ": D
But one of these days I remembered this employer I used to work for years ago at this dog kennel. I remembered how he used to rent out rooms on that property so, I contacted him and told him my situation. Lo and behold ~ he agreed to give me a space for a mind-blowing affordable price that I could some how afford, being someone who only gets paid $12 an hour and works part time.
This price he gave me is almost impossible to find.
But I asked God to guide me, and with Him, nothing is impossible.
[P.s. By this time I became friends with someone very special ~ in March technically I became connected with NeekoWolfie > w> but that'll be mentioned later].
[P.s.s. I began working at a new job; a gym/health center as a front desk coordinator. Very difficult at first but I thank God I'm still there and it's manageable now.]
M A Y 
Simple as that. ~ Graduated with my associates degree in social science c: (well actually I did one more online class, then the degree lol).
I like this picture because the whole time I really looked up to my psychology professor, Dr. Soga, whose been in the psychology field for so long. I'd often tell her she inspired me so much. XD I'd go to her with many questions and such. Aside from that, I was getting settled into the new place I moved into. Still was difficult but was managing. ~
J U N E & J U L Y Honestly? I can't remember!
The official break up between my ex and I was dragging on still I think. Like, getting it in our heads that a relationship won't work between us. But nevertheless we were stubbornly trying to make things work. I was still getting situated in my own place, doing my own things which felt very nice. I can't remember the solid date but I'm pretty sure found the church I go to now by this time. c: Which I needed so much and thank God for.
A U G U S T FINALLY I got baptized.
(Here is my pastor on the other side of the tub and the youth group leader on my left.)
This might seem insignificant to most of you, but this was huge for me. I waited years for this, since I was 15 or so, to get myself water-baptized.
To some Christians it means little or it gets done out of obligation, but this does signify something extremely important and it should be taken seriously. I understood how important it was and I held it close to my heart. Along with that, around this time I was also really clicking with the people of the church c: the prayer group on Wednesdays and the Bible study group on Tuesdays. As fellowship began to grow with some of them, I began to realize just how important it is to be there for others. I remembered my friends. Thinking to myself, who amongst my friends are in trouble on some level. And as a Christian, it's good to be there for others. Especially actual friends. ~
S E P T E M B E R 
There are many things I could say that brought us together. But truly, thanks be to God.
Without Him we wouldn't have bonded the way we have now. God knew exactly what I asked for.
He knew exactly what I needed.
Long story short, Ren is my partner ~ (we are "courting" which is different than a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, so he is not my boyfriend).
In many ways Ren is what I asked for in a partner; I still have a struggling time thinking to myself that WOW THIS TYPE OF PERSON EXISTS and I have been so BLESSED to actually find that person?! That person that has those qualities I have been ACHING to have in a partner? God. is. GOOD.
Especially to grow together in our faith walk with The Lord.
Which makes me feel a closeness I never experienced in the past with previous guys. ~For an online relationship, I must say I feel more open with him, more free, and more loved, than I have with any other relationship. Yes, even with the two main real life relationships I had in the past...even those I don't feel were as strong as it is with Ren.
I love him very much.No, he isn't perfect and never will be, and I never will be either, but I love every part of him ~
For a long time he was in a dark pit, and maybe times are still dark, but I think God wanted us to be in each others lives for reasons like this and for other reasons.
I'm happy he put me here to take his hand at the right time.~
Perhaps our relationship was unlikely and might not seem legit to others due to the distance, but I'm confident about it regardless. My partner is a nerdy floof-brained derp and I'm so happy to say that xD!
Most importantly he is not just a lover but also my friend
for the first time I can say that in all truth when it comes to a serious connection like the one we have. ~ Truthfully I could go on and on about how we clicked and why we click but,
I figure I would just let you all know I met someone very special
and that this is a new big change, a different but happy change. <3
Thanking God oh so much for being so kind to us and blessing us this much.
O C T O B E R & N O V E M B E R The one significant thing I could say that happened between October and Novemeber is this Christian community that The Lord had totally blessed me with. There is A LOT I could say but to put it simply, on holloween [ironically] I met another Christian girl when I was out in a coffee spot doing a Bible study by myself.
As it turns out, she is also a devoted Christian ~ but getting to know her and the community she is a part of is a big game changer because of how devoted they are, how devoted I am, how devoted we need to be. This community has over 300 disciples, and well, basically a bunch of Christians who live life close to each other and follow Jesus extra close and with a dedicated heart.
It's...incredible.A bit overwhelming,
hard to understand,
but I'm very certain God brought me to these people for a reason. I mean what are the odds??? A lot has spiritually happened to me ever since meeting these people and it has been all around extraordinary. God has seriously moved in my life, and moving in their lives. He never intended for humans to journey alone, especially once on His path, it can't be done alone. ~ And it shouldn't! So I'm glad. Overwhelmed. xD But it's a good thing still!
:bademoticon: D E C E M B E R:bademoticon:
At last, December~
It has been a challenging month with thoughts, feelings, direction, what to do and what not to do, what to let go of and what to keep, and still changes occurring. Nevertheless I'm overjoyed this difficult year, 2019, is about to be over.
The Lord has seriously carried me through, I could NOT have gotten through it without Him.
He changed my mind,
He changed my heart,
He set my life back to His path,
He brought me back to life. ~
And so much more.
I'm so thankful for the life He has blessed me with! The people he has brought close to me, for all He enables me to do, truly just...everything.
Even on my bad days, my joy is in Christ, I rest in Him. As the new year comes along, I hope to have strength that night, God willingly, to stay up long enough to see the sun come up. It might be a little strange, a little too poetic, but I simply want to see the sun rise up on the new first day of 2020.
I want to see with my own two eyes 2019 being completely over. ~
Lastly, I would like to take a moment to shout out to my [online] close friends of this year along with the old friends who are still with me ~ and I hope and pray for them to always be in my life
you have all helped one way or another, with effort and without, being present or not-so present, with little words or many words, the friendship still matters and makes me happy. ~ I'm blessed to have you all in my life and I cherish you. I hope we can all move forward together as time goes on.And I hope I can always be a good thing in the lives of yours as well, however that looks.
I love you!If you got to the end of this journal, thank you! And may your eyes heal quickly.
Here's to the new year to come Lord be willing. I pray for things to both be a better experience and for improved strength for those moments when things don't go so well.
May The Lord keep us all strong!
Jesus loves all of you. This I don't say lightly it's very true.you are all gifted, a wonderful creation.
you all have opportunity and a chance to grow, to let go and to change.
forgive and love. ~
I hope we enter this new year with some sense of joy and a new found Hope!
Stay safe and stay around lovely people. I love all of you!
God bless you.
but many of you have been understanding, I just hope you could understand it affects my artwork too.
even if it's going to drastically change, might become boring, un-relatable, and even distasteful to many. No more doing things to please people, I finally want to do things to please God.A time to read
This will be annoying to most of you but please listen:
I did not want to be one of those Christians who sound like I'm yelling or going crazy but I feel compelled on a huge level. It's important you all know Jesus is returning sooner than we think. Extremely soon. I know the majority of you do not believe it one bit or perhaps you feel no concern because you don't understand what it is going to be like, but that is how He is going to catch you off guard. Even the Bible, 2 Peter 3:3-4 says, "3 Above all, you must understand that in the last days scoffers will come, scoffing and following their own evil desires. 4 They will say, “Where is this ‘coming’ He promised? Ever since our ancestors died, everything goes on as it has since the beginning of creation.”
Well, now, He is at the door. You might be at work, at school, sleeping, driving, even at church, just generally doing what you normally do. It will happen when you least expect it. But may the Lord find you ready and waiting.
I know this sounds insane but please realize the signs of the times. This world hates to hear someone say "repent!" because it sounds bossy and unreal, but people who passed and who ended up in hell's flames wish dearly to be warned one more time. There is no more time to take it slow and be ignorant. I know today's favorite view on life is "you have one life, do what you will" or "we die so might as well live to the fullest". I get that completely! It sounds so carefree and fun and some how gives hope that no matter what we'll be fine. Most of the world has put this in each others thought process for years upon years. But it is not true. It's actually opposite. Yes, we have one life, but that's why we need to not live it carefree but carefully.
Jesus wants a relationship with all of us SO badly. EVERY person who has ever lived, is living, and will live. And He loves you like no one else loves you and fills in the void in your life like no one else could. He constantly thinks about you. Where there's depression of any type He replaces with immense joy by giving you the Holy Spirit. Even if you think some person or thing does that for you it is nothing compared to what He can do for you. Why reject Him? Even asking Jesus and going to Him about something makes God very happy.
I tell you, there is no habit, pleasure, desire, career, money, activity, negative emotions, feelings, person, or anything else, worth sacrificing your soul for and wasting what God destined you to have. I'm now realizing this fully; I tried to take some easy routes but it can't be done. I'm in haste because I understand there simply isn't much time and this world which we love too much is going to pass away eventually; everything you squander for here isn't worth it and you won't be able to take any of it with you. And I just want to do what He created us for: to follow Him in everything.
I know this is all is so difficult and probably enraging to read but I've never been more confident about anything. He wants us to talk about it. I don't like to sound this rigid but you need to know. I don't want to pick fights with anyone, but again, you need to know. Maybe a forceful family member ruined these things for you, or some psychotic Christian you heard about who thought it was okay to take vengeance on "sinners" and literally kill them. Or something else ruined it. I don't want to seem that way. It is not about following 'religion' it's about believing directly what God says. What He wants from us. But try this again, just listen one more time.
Remember that this world is a snare with a million roads to choose from. Out of that million there is only one successful path: the path with Jesus. Just keep in mind, He loves you more than anyone could and wants you more than anyone would want you. Where He is is your actual home, not earth. Please don't let this world overcome you. There's something evil (satan and those with him) that's exposing itself subtly and slowly and it doesn't want anyone knowing anything about Jesus because it knows He is the truth.
As long as you're alive you still have a chance. But time is getting shorter. The race is almost done. Whether you followed the rules or not, He will be at the finish line waiting. All the trial and pain of this race is worth it. Instead of people cheering for you, a legion of angels with other hosts of heaven, and God and The Son.
The life we live now is our one and only opportunity to do whatever it takes to be with Him. Whatever person or habit or mind set or life style or anything that is restraining you from doing what is right is not going to be there to save you at the end. It will drag you into darkness and watch you drown, even if it doesn't seem that way. It did not die for your sins. Don't let it rule you. Persevere. Even with tears and pain and fear of changing and letting go. He is worth all of it. Jesus defeated the world. With Him on your side you can do it as well; things that seem impossible you would be able to do with The Lord guiding you. Please, repent, open your eyes to the signs, and look to the One who wants to help and save you truly. Heaven and earth will pass away, but His words will never pass away. (Matthew 24:35)